Allistairagator

Sig Lines

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 21:11:00 GMT

I say awesome things! Check out these three pithy pronouncements, uttered just recently!

"I CAN'T LIKE ANYTHING!!"

"I CAN'T STOP YELLING!!"

"I CAN'T BE STOPPED!!"

I am a veritable fountain of id and will!

Quantity Care

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:53:35 GMT

To whom it may concern:

Dad is home EVERY DAY now, like, "taking care" of me. He's making it weird. I mean, Dad's cool and all, but... enough-Z-enough. Can someone please make him go back to work now? ktnx

My career begins

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 04:59:25 GMT

Well, I've decided what I'm going to do with my life. (Besides playing with toys, that is)

PHOTOGRAPHY!!1!

I'm beginning to realize that apparently, I am totally awesome!

Big Kids

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 23:39:09 GMT

Actual conversation I had three days ago:

Me: Hi!

Me: Hi!

Me: Hi!

Bigger Kid: Yeah, you said that.

Sheesh.

Ambrosia

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 08:23:00 GMT

Well, it took 1158 days, but I finally found it... VEGEMITE!! Where has this food BEEN all my life??

The best part is that you can just eat it out of the jar! Mom says it's from "Ostralya", but I happen to know that she is wrong. It's actually from the grocery store.

As you can see here, my boundless enthusiasm for this condensed yeast extract sometimes leads me to forget my table manners...

This is WAAAY better than eating that gray stuff under the sink when mom's not looking...

On the oral tradition

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 21:48:25 GMT

So...

Dad is still WAAY ahead on the who-is-stupider competition with Mom. Among other nonsense, he frequently just starts giggling like an idiot man-child when I answer the most BASIC of questions. To wit:

Dad: Allistair, did you see cousin Noah today?
Me: Yah
Dad: What did he say?
Me: He say... about his balls.
Dad: [endless giggling and stupid behavior]

In other news, GAMMA-K is here! I know that sounds like either a super-hero or a super-villain, but she's actually my grandmother, apparently. She's very easy to out-run.

Nothing but limitations!

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:18:56 GMT

Pff... Five miles per hour... Pff...

I can go at least seven.

The downward spiral

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 17:44:06 GMT

I have perceived another pattern of decreasing desireability: My caretakers!

At first it was mostly mom, and a little bit of dad, with the very occasional dash of grandparents.

Then "day care" was introduced. The first step downward! The thin end of the wedge! The canary in the coal mine! The proverbial snowball in July! ... Well, that last one doesn't really apply, but still. Yeah.

Yesterday we reached what I could only hope is the BOTTOM when THIS CHICK picked me up. I mean, come ON. What's next? Phyllis Diller?

She was actually pretty nice though. For a non-mom person.

Fashion Design!

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:24:21 GMT

OMG I have discovered the best thing ever! Fashion design!! All it takes is a scissors! Yesterday I crafted a stunning ventilation effect to my shirt. The roughly one-half-inch cuts (or "louvres", as I call them) add not only a hyper-oxygenating effect on my tummy, but also suggest a subtle amalgam of post-societal-breakdown casualness with the essential hint of survivalism.

Try it! All it takes is a scissors! (tm)

Lapin slappin

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 06:26:26 GMT

This talking thing is pretty useful. You don't even really have to do it right! Tonight, while I was running around naked like a rabbit, my dad said "I see a bunny-boy!". (I know, right?) I was able to correct him without having to worry about saying it exactly right by just saying "Stop it. I a baby"

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:24:17 GMT

There's a new movie I watch called "Cars". It's enjoyable, although not as enjoyable as Wall-E. Anyway, there is a HUGE TRAIN in the movie which ALMOST HITS THE PROTAGONIST! (er, protagonist car) This is extremely upsetting to me!

How it is that everyone can watch all those horrible things happening without getting upset is beyond me to understand.

Priorities

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 03:16:31 GMT

Ok, I need to check my perceptions here. Help me out. Let's take a survey:

Which of the following two things is more important:

WALL-E

STAR TREK, THE ORIGINAL SERIES

I know, right?!?! Mom and Dad keep (get this) they keep (no, really, you won't believe this...) ok, they TURN OFF WALL-E... (I know!) in order to watch Star Trek:TOS instead! It was bad enough when they were turning off Dumbo for Star Trek: Enterprise, but THIS!

Another sign that this world is but a trial.

Presents: Threat or Menace?

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 03:11:09 GMT

Ok, there's this thing called "Presents". I'm trying to get my head around it... let me try to explain:

Everyone is putting things in boxes, wrapping them in silly paper and giving them to me... Then I rip open the paper, make someone open the box for me, and I get to keep what's inside, even if it's just socks! Pretty sweet, huh!

I like this new development. I've been averaging a few presents a day, so I figure I'll get at least one every day of my life from now on!

Maybe things are looking up!

.
.
.

ADDENDUM: No, things are NOT looking up, and after getting me used to presents, now there are none. NONE!

Fire!

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:04:09 GMT

Last night dad built a "fire" in the livingroom. Both he and mom spoke as though it was going to be this great wonderful thing, but...

1. Smoke in eyes: Do not want

2. They wouldn't let me touch ANY of it! Not even the glowy parts.

3. It was too hot.

4. The whole house smelled of smoke for hours afterwards. WTF?

5. There was a fine rain of ash in the livingroom all evening, and now there is a fine layer of ash all over everything.

Gee, I "can't" "wait" until the next "fire".

This 's what I'm talkin' bout

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 06:56:56 GMT

Ok, I think people are FINALLY starting to get the right idea. CHECK THIS OUT! OMG THEY'RE FINALLY LETTING ME DRIVE THE FIRE TRUCKS!!1! I mean... LOOK! I'M TOTALLY JUST DRIVING THE FIRE TRUCK!!1!

It was cool. Some weird lady is baby-sitting me now after day care. We call her "Pam". That's probably short for "Pamida", I figure.

Anyway, fire trucks.

Lame

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 02:50:17 GMT

Why does everyone think it's so hysterically-damned funny when I climb up on the ladder and say "I'm high, I'm high!" What the hey?

People are dumb.

FIRE TRUCK!!1!

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 06:36:13 GMT

FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1! FIRE TRUCK!!1!

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:55:50 GMT

Dad is gone a lot. Days at a time. What a doofus.

Yes, I can haz the knowing

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 18:54:56 GMT

To answer all your lame questions, YES... I CAN write my own posts complete with HTML tags and stuff.

I'm just that good.

The givers of Pain and Delight

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 18:00:58 GMT

There is a place called the Zoo. It is designed to traumatize me.

So we went to the zoo. Not the normal zoo, some other zoo far away in "Oakland" or something. For a while, it was great. I saw a real live elephant for the first time, and I guess I did get to ride on one car for like, A MINUTE... But what about ALL THE OTHER RIDES?!?!?1!?

There were these awesome sweet big cars that kids could drive, and after showing them to me for a few minutes, Dad decides I CAN'T ride them! WTF!?!? Something about not being accompanied by a parent or some such nonsense. They tried to take me on a stupid carousel instead. Don't they know that carousels are for BABIES!?! I mean, babies younger than me.

Also, every time we just get started riding around on something, I HAVE TO GET OFF! We get on the train, and 4 minutes later, OFF! ALL DONE! BABY ALL DONE! I get on the littler, lamer cars, and after 4 minutes, OFF! ALL DONE! BABY ALL DONE! It's ridiculous, and I think they're doing it to torture me. I cried a more concentrated burst of pure crying-power during that fiasco than at any other time since Mom took away the broken glass I wanted to eat.

Feh.

Collision detection

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:52:31 GMT

As if having to sleep OUTSIDE mom every day isn't bad enough...

One of the many deplorable aspects of the so-called "WORLD" is that if your body collides with anything else, it TOTALLY HURTS! WTF?!??!1one?:"! I'm running around and BAM!! Ow! My head! I'm climbing up over the couch and OH NOZ! I FALL DOWN GO BOOM MY BUTT HURTS!!

This is SERIOUSLY not right. Things should be soft, and gravity should give me a break.

In the last two weeks I've had three or four bumps on my face and three on my head. What kind of a world IS THIS anyway?!?

This sucks. I'm going to learn how to climb up onto the roof. Then nothing bad can happen!

Perverse Fun

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 23:24:52 GMT

Ha! Today mom let me make a mess OUTSIDE my diaper! What fun! She got this little red chair, and I sat on it with no pants on and totally peed in it! LOLOLOL! I can't believe she stopped being uptight long enough to have some basic FUN with me! Well, I'm sure it'll be back to peeing in the diaper soon enough.

In other news, THIS is me escaping from the "playpen" at gramma's house. HA! I know a restrictive cage when I see one. I won't fall for that again.

Word to your Mother

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 05:02:56 GMT

It's all about the words. Now that I'm two, I've begun to move on to advanced parent-manipulation. This is a two-part project. First I am putting far more discipline and effort into my crying. What before was a semi-involuntary wail is now a forcefully-focused tool of coercion! I've been able to remember what I am crying about for minutes on end recently, so I'm getting some very good, if unpredictable results. Second, WORDS! I am able to string three words together in a row now for unparalleled communication power! Abstractions, conditionals, reciprocal possession... I can do anything! Results also unpredictable, though. >:(

Mom and Dad are stupidly impressed when I say "Fishy eat bubble". I mean, it's no big deal. There's a fish. There are bubbles in its mouth. Duh!

As I suspected last time I wrote, we have indeed taken over a whole new home. I haven't been back to the other one in weeks, so I suspect we're staying here. The good thing is that the green room is mostly just for me and my toys. Mom and Dad didn't put much of anything else in there!

Speaking of toys, I got an Allistairatron! As soon as I figure out what it does, I will use it to do that thing.

Even further

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 06:32:42 GMT

So... As if being kicked out of Mom's tummy wasn't bad enough, I've now been expelled from my second home TOO!!1!

The Stuff Game kept getting worse and worse, and finally they packed ME up and put me in this other place too. ANOTHER HOME LOST!!1! The new place is ok, I guess... (especially the green room where I can throw all my toys around and no one cares!) but what the obsession with displacing me is I can not imagine.

Over-reacting

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 06:00:13 GMT

Mom and dad appear to be specialists in the field of freaking out. I was playing with the phone, as usual... (This is one of my rights as a baby, I now know) A bunch of flashy-light cars were apparently speeding towards the house as a result of some whatever thing I did on the phone... (who cares?) and (get this) dad CALLED THEM AND TOLD THEM TO NOT COME WTF??!?!1? Cars with sirens and lights are on their way, and he warns them off?

What a rip-off!

It may be related to the Stuff Game. Recently, they've begun moving literally EVERY SINGLE THING in the house into little boxes. Everything's been moved around. Some of it they're moving to some other place. We visited there tonight so that I could sit in some empty boxes and run around and stuff. Anyway, I think it's driving them crazy.

In other news: Mom cut my hair again, and I hated it with the abiding passion of a thousand lost souls orbiting endlessly about the scenes of their own deaths. Dad helped, so he sucks too. Looks good though!

Also new: I never knew this before, but I discovered that there is a jungle behind the house!! I explored all over and found... stuff. It was cool.